I have often wondered what it would feel like to be pregnant, i.e., physically pregnant with a new life inside of my body, being nourished and cared for as it grows inside my bodily being. I see pregnant women navigating through the COVID19 situation and realize the anxiety and fear as well as the anticipation and excitement that they must be experiencing. What a rollercoaster it must be, carrying this life within, doing your best to be present to the growing life, ever anxious for its safety and health, and yes, wondering what beautifully unique giftedness this new life will bring into your life…into the life of the world.
At the same time, there are sacrifices that must be made in preparing for this new life, and sometimes sickness and pain accompany pregnancy. Not to mention all the potential suffering that will be encountered upon delivery – the endurance to carry through and provide the passage from the life hidden within a dark and safe womb into a mysterious new existence of immediate interaction within a community inclusive of both joy and suffering. I have also imagined from the standpoint of the yet unborn new life, what trauma and ecstasy must be experienced, even at perhaps a pre-conscious level, to be suddenly thrust from a warm world of comfort and nourishment into a strange and alien new world. To be touched from an outside never encountered before with uncertainty, excitement, yet also perhaps with a familiarity already present from the journey before.
Pregnancy and birth are also intimately linked with death. Almost 4 years ago, my mom passed from her earthly life through death into New Life, for which I know she was made ready for while she was still in this life. There was pain and suffering, yet, from what I and others could tell being with her, she anticipated the unknown less with fear than with humble reverence and no small inkling of hope and even perhaps joy. I am convinced that she was loved into her new life, and that Love is precisely where she is now. The grief that we may have over the absence of her physical presence as we remember it is only the unavoidable and indeed grace-filled reminder of the power of Love and its ability to carry and bear All.
Perhaps Jesus is saying something like this to his disciples today (JN 16: 20-23):
“Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you..”
Somehow, I believe that we all are pregnant as spiritual human beings developing in our lives through our interaction with the world and most especially with each other. For those of us who have been on the life journey for some time, upon reflection, we may be able to identify those times when we felt invited or indeed pushed into another world. Perhaps we consciously prepared for a transition, say a new job, or a move, or an educational endeavor. More times than not though, the push may have been beyond our control. Life happened and we were taken with it. In some way, we all are feeling just this push from the pandemic. These pushes that we experience in love and loss are actually the labor pains that always accompany pregnancy and birth. Sometimes it takes years or even our entire life to see all that has been born into our lives. We all have children of our selves.
The constant companion for this journey from pregnancy to birth is some type of death, something unknown that may cause us fear or apprehension. The intensity of the experience of transformation in this process may fluctuate between suffering and joy, but I find that the intensity itself, when it is grounded in trust and love and faithfulness to those around us in our world, demarcates the grounding Love Who is God our Creator and Sustainer. The feeling of absence that Jesus acknowledges in his address to the disciples today is precisely that unknown and mysterious Newness that is born through letting go or dying to all kinds of things as we journey through life (mindsets, ideologies, theologies, habitual practices, etc.). Rather than opposing dualities, the experiences of suffering and joy can be embraced more wholly as the intensity patterned into a Life in Love with God and each other. Looked at this way, pregnancy is ongoing as we give birth to New Life transformed through death over and over again!
Maybe today’s Gospel is asking whether it could be possible that Jesus is showing us as much about love and life through absence as he does through presence. Perhaps they (joy and suffering, presence and absence) are not opposites but experiences on the same continuum of Life and Love. Even when we feel Love as absent, it is only that sharp reminder of the intensity within which Love dwells and constantly coaxes us into transformation. Our very yearning is itself Love’s gift in all creation as Paul reminds us in his letter to the Romans (8: 22), “all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now.”
When we realize the absolute preciousness of any transformation – living in New Life, i.e. Love anew – then we can “no longer remember the pain because of (our) joy that a child has been born into the world.” The child is born over and over again within a pregnant Love that carries and bears all, including any death that must be undergone in Love’s intractable passage. Our groanings of grief become canticles of elation as Love carries us in its ever-pregnant life!
Peace
Thomas
(Originally Posted May 26, 2017)